To say the last few months have been exhausting is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s been draining beyond belief and I’ve finally reached my breaking point.
I’ve dealt with anxiety the majority of my life, but never recognized it as an issue until my early twenties. Even then, it wasn’t anything that I felt spiraled out of control. That’s the essence of anxiety, right? Desperately feeling the need for control.
It wasn’t until I had my first son that I realized how serious anxiety could be. How twisted it could be, and how anxiety wanted to fight you every minute of every day for control. The first 18 months of my sons life were nail-biting. I worried about every little thing. And once a single worried thought entered my mind, it set up shop and spawned other worries.
For me, what has always helped has been a good night’s sleep and a little exercise. Well, when you are up several times during the night with a baby (my son didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was closer to two years old) you don’t really get the regenerative sleep an anxious brain needs.
And a sleep-deprived mind is anxiety’s palace. The perfect place to move in with all its intrusive thoughts.
The reality is I should have sought help back then. Instead, I let myself (and most likely those around me) suffer in silence.
My second son is now two months old, and after those first two weeks of hormone levels dropping and adjusting to a new life, I felt pretty good. Or at least I thought I did. But I’m starting to believe I was just reapplying Band-Aids to an old wound, hoping not to look at it.
The overwhelmingness of it all finally caught up to me. I’m so sleep-deprived that I often can’t form a thought. I am a mom to two incredibly dependent children and I am the one taking the least care of myself when I need it the most.
I’ve decided I need help. I admit I need help (anxiety doesn’t want you to get help). So I have scheduled my first therapy session for next week and I already feel a little lighter. I am eager to get started on therapy options and ready to feel happy. I hope to share as much of my journey as I can, as writing is one of my passions and my go-to way to express myself.