The Little Blue Pill

Ugghhhhhh. I don’t really know how to segue from my last post about the Cat and Jack subscription box I reviewed, so that was my lame attempt. This post will go back to how I’m dealing with my anxiety and life in general.

First, I have met with my therapist a couple times now and really like her. I think there are productive things she can teach me to retrain my brain. But we both agreed that my lack of sleep was fueling my anxiety. And we discussed medication. I told her my fear was that once I started taking it, it would be something I needed forever and I didn’t know if I could accept that.

She understood but said for post-partum depression, once I was able to get a good night’s rest on a regular basis, then moms are typically weaned off meds. I liked this. But it also made me realize that I haven’t had a “good night’s rest” in over three years. Between kids and my T1D waking me up in the middle of the night, hours of sleep in succession just hasn’t been a reality in years.

The next week I talked to my OB, who I really connect with. She said once you get into that mindset (anxiety/depression), it’s really hard to get out of.

After speaking with these professionals and reading how medication has changed the lives of many women, I decided I was ready to give that little pill a shot. And I’m glad I did.

It’s been two weeks and it’s the best I’ve felt in a long time. I was fortunate to not have any bad side effects. I take it at night and the first two days I woke up feeling a little dizzy/foggy, but that has subsided.

Within the first week, I felt better. It took the edge off and allowed me to be a calmer version of myself. I’m hoping another month or so and I will feel even better.

Unfortunately, this week hasn’t been the easiest because I returned to work after three months of maternity leave. I am thankful I started the medication when I did, because I know I would be feeling a lot worse if I didn’t.

Dropping your baby off at daycare, even if it is with someone you trust, sucks. A baby you have been with around the clock since before it was born. You literally leave a piece of your heart at drop-off. Then to hear your sweet baby is having a rough time adjusting to the schedule of daycare is heartbreaking.

Before having kids I never thought I would ever want to be a stay at home mom. I figured I would be happy and motivated in my job and no child could change that. Yeah, then I had my first son and I would have stayed at home in a heartbeat. That first year or so was really, really hard on me mentally. I didn’t like feeling like I was missing out.

Now with my second son, all those feelings have returned.

But I’ve returned to work and have had many co-workers stop by to welcome me back, which is nice. They ask how I’m doing and I want to tell them it fucking sucks, but who wants to be that person? I say I’m doing okay. I’m back physically, but definitely not mentally.

To help ease my stress, I’m trying to do things that get me in a positive mindset. I picked up a guide on how to do mindful hand-lettering. I’m hoping this can be an easy artistic outlet for me. I’m currently listening to a happiness podcast. We go on family walks after dinner. I’m trying to be more mindful and present in the moment and appreciate things.

This is damn hard. But I’m hopeful.

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