I haven’t been feeling the best lately. My anxiety has come back to an disruptive level. It’s been close to a year since I’ve felt this way and I don’t like it.
The past week has been shitty. The youngest came down with a stomach bug while also getting 9,000 of his teeth in at once. So it’s been a lot of puke and a lot more screaming, multiple night wakings.
On top of that, Halloween got my oldest all out of sorts. His imagination got the best of him, resulting in him being scared to go anywhere in the house by himself and also waking up a few times in the night looking for me. So it’s been a game of musical bedrooms for me.
And let me tell you, the sleep deprivation has got me down. Very down.
My health anxiety is back and I’m worried about my oldest. My fear of him getting type 1 diabetes has been a consuming worry of mine for a few years now. Maybe I need to digest why. Because my husband says even if that happens everything will be okay. My son has the best parents and with me being a t1d myself, I have insight that other type 1 parents don’t.
But let’s pull back the veil; if my son gets t1d, it’s my fault. It would be my selfishness of wanting biological children that put him at risk for being diagnosed t1d. And while I live a fairly normal, happy life, type 1 diabetes has affected the quality of my life. Nearly every single moment of every single day I am making decisions based on my disease. And it’s an expensive illness, so it affects us financially. Additionally, I’m watching my t1d mother lose her eyesight from diabetic retinapathy and it’s further depressing.
While it’s a treatable disease, there is still no cure, and no parent wants to see their child go through any kind of struggle.
So I’m at a point where I want to take him in to get an HbA1c to see if his blood sugar levels are within a normal range. And I also think it’s time to get back to therapy. There’s no good that comes from all-consuming worry.
In addition to all the stress at home, I’ve had to miss a few days at work. I fear what people think of me, which I shouldn’t. But that’s the reality of working moms in the U.S. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t. The reality is that American society simply isn’t supportive of working moms.
That’s where I am today. Not great.
If you’re interested in what I’ve been writing lately, check out my stories below: